For years, friends and teammates of men's lacrosse midfielder Tom Bendon '07 have questioned the root of his imposing physical stature. Last week, Bendon tested positive for Human Growth Hormone as well as a number of supplements previously found only in greyhounds and racehorses.
Michael Roth '78, current president of California College of the Arts and Wesleyan's next president, announced on Monday that he would be adding a few more things to his first year agenda including membership to five varsity sports teams and two intramural squads.
In a trip that had nothing to do with curling and had everything to do with what one member of the team said was "getting fucked up and making some bad decisions," the Wesleyan men’s and women’s tennis teams headed to Daytona Beach, Florida for a trip that zero members of the team remember very clearly.
Dude, did you see the rugby match this weekend, brah? Fuckin legit man! This one dude was running like 75 miles per hour, I'm talking cheetah shit bro, and got fucking clothes-lined by this one dude from Wesleyan out of nowhere! No joke bro, he had to have studied with an ancient Samurai master in Japan for the last fifteen years of his life, because this shit was unreal bro.
The Presidential Search Committee recently gave the Argus permission to publish the names of the rejected presidential candidates, as well as the presidential search committee members' notes on each. For the betterment of the community, we've published them, in their entirety, below.
I'm writing to complain. Last week, I submitted a Wespeak to the Argus. This Wespeak was very dear to my heart. I used it to express my rage, outrage, fury, and displeasure with the contemptible paucity of GOOD TIMES on the Wesleyan campus through a Rauschenbergian assemblage of glass shards from beer bottles, the remains of my final project from Sculpture 1, and the bones of my roommate's (now deceased) hamster.
It gives me great pleasure, as the assitant to the deputy manager of Auxiliary Services of Wesleyan University, to release this floor plan of the new Suzanne Lemberg Usdan University Center. (name is subject to change depending on the outcome of our lawsuit with Suzanne Lemberg Usdan University). We’re so pumped about this place we had to rank the plans in numerical order from greatest to favorite.
Due to serious cinematic interest, a 3,000 ft. blimp is deeply desired to recreate Indiana Jones’ escape from the Nazis in "Raiders of the Lost Arc." Must seat 200 people, be legitimately fly-able, have glass chandeliers. Preferably comes with German stewardesses and a full bar. Serious offers only. Please contact joneswannabe@wesleyan.edu.
I am writing to you on behalf of WesFruity! (Wesleyan Fruit Rescue Urgently Immediately Today, Yes!) We were gravely offended by Peter Glidden's senior art thesis "PRODUCEd." It represents a wanton destruction of fruit (and vegetables) in today's society. In a time where so many people worldwide live without access to fresh produce, Peter's wasteful attitude in the name of art exemplifies greater global fruit problems.
You guys suck. Wesleyan was so much better when it was a white, all-male, conservative Methodist institution bent on maintaining its distinct history of hierarchical, privileged background. Back in my day, we would never have stood for trifles like diversity, activism, or discussion of class, race or gender, because we were too obsessed with our outdated, snobbish intellectualism to take our noses out of our books. Also, y'all don't know how to spell.
Dazed and confused after a beer-filled weeklong spring break trip to Cancun, Mexico, Mason Whitfield ’07, a Kentucky Wesleyan College student, mistakenly arrived in Middletown on Sunday night. According to Public Safety, Whitfield was discovered wandering on Andrus Field. He was wearing salmon colored J. Crew shorts and a mint colored Ralph Lauren polo shirt.
Argus editors are not perfect, but neither are our writers. Here are some of our favorite lines that we caught before print. These are actual lines from articles submitted by writers this year, with editorial comments in italics.
A new study published by Maya Smith ’07 and Biology Professor Mark Stein reveals the startling consequences of fashion choices on campus, especially among the hipster crowd. The study, entitled "A Postmodern, Neo-Structuralist, Bio-Ethical Approach to the Crisis of the Penis in the Context of Metaphysical Hipster Culture," examines the correlation between tightness of pants and sperm counts.
The presidency of Doug Bennet will be commemorated with song and dance this fall at the CFA Theatre. The Theatre Department recently announced the upcoming production of their original musical, "I'm With Midge!," which promises to be a frothy, fun-filled romp through a bitterly divisive presidential tenure.
MoCon meals have become somber affairs as the reality of the impending farewell has begun to resonate among the student body. But students do not have to say goodbye to MoCon, however. It will still be an integral part of the Wesleyan community next year, albeit in a different capacity.
Upon entering Summer-fields Restaurant, located in the Butterfield C dormitory, I was immediately greeted by the aroma of dead rabbits. I was instructed to select what I would fancy for my meal before sitting down. According to the hostess, who was naked from the waist down, I could order from one of five main courses. The menu laid out the five choices in Captain Planet form, one under each of the five powers of the Planeteers: Earth, Fire, Wind, Water, and Heart.
Controversy sparked on Wednesday, April 5, when University President Doug Bennet declared that he was not going to give up his presidency to "some namby-pamby from an art school" and that Michael Roth could kiss his "Butterfield" at a Board of Trustees meeting. Roth immediately responded to the bad pun with a roundhouse kick to the face.
The Social Committee of the Wesleyan Student Assembly (WSA) announced earlier this week that R&B prodigy Sisqo will headline Spring Fling 2007, along with fellow Billboard 2000 toppers Donnell Jones and Jagged Edge. (Who?) I think I'll sing it again. Sisqo will headline Spring Fling 2007.
Classified documents recently uncovered by The Argus detailing the presidential search process show that Anna Nicole Smith, the recently deceased yet always voluptuous cultural phenomenon, not presidential-appointee Michael Roth, was the original favorite to become the University's 16th president.
Two Public Safety officers responding to noise complaints on Saturday from Butterfield A entered a room of six students under the influence of psilocybin mushrooms and proceeded to eat the mushrooms and eventually engage in an orgy with the students. The event was recorded by a surveillance camera installed in the room by a nearby resident for a government class project on the National Security Agency's spying tactics.
The courageous young participants of the Chalking Revolution have now succeeded in convincing President Bush to authorize immediate withdrawal of troops from Iraq, as well as causing the World Bank to selflessly allocate 80 percent of its funds to the shittiest parts of Africa, sources from the Chalking Revolution reported Monday from their Underground Headquarters located within the Butt tunnels.
Chicken Little Café, a restaurant for midgets located underneath Vegan Café on the top floor of Davenport Campus Center, celebrated its grand opening yesterday. "There are no small events," said Midget Bennet ’07 at the grand opening ceremony. "Only small people."
As the end of Aramark's 19-year reign of tyranny over campus dining draws to a close, the University dining committee was finally able to disclose Aramark's successor: the world's largest restaurant franchise, the multi-million dollar McDonald's.
Recently, I sat down with incoming University president Michael Roth. I was drunk.