This article touches on sensitive topics and contains references to disturbing events, such as sexual assault, relating to Brett Kavanaugh.
Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh is at the epicenter of a pivotal moment about sexual assault. Three different women have accused Kavanaugh of different inappropriate sexual acts. During his time at Georgetown Preparatory High School, Kavanaugh attended parties in which gang rape was a frequent occurrence according to Julie Swetnick, a woman who says she was raped at a party that Kavanaugh attended. Her allegation corroborates that of Christine Blasey Ford, who stated before Congress that Kavanaugh attempted to rape her while his friends helped him with the assault.
“I never had any sexual or physical encounter of any kind with Dr. Ford. I am not questioning that Dr. Ford may have been sexually assaulted by some person in some place at some time,” Kavanaugh said during his testimony before Congress.
His statement references a recent anonymous letter alleging that Ford could have mistaken Kavanaugh for another person. According to Senator Orrin Hatch’s spokesperson, Kavanaugh himself said Ford had mistaken him as her attacker.
“Some have noticed that I didn’t have church on Sundays on my calendars,” Kavanaugh said in his hearing. “I also didn’t list brushing my teeth, and for me going to church on Sundays was like brushing my teeth. Automatic.”
Obviously, this is man of serious values. A man who goes to church and has clean teeth does not sound like a rapist to me. That lends a lot of credibility to the mistaken identity argument.
Ford stated she had one beer the night she remembers Kavanaugh assaulting her. From personal experience, I know I’ve misidentified plenty of people when I’ve had one whole beer. After all, that is quite a lot of alcohol. But why stop at this quite plausible mistaken-identity theory? There are several possible occurrences that could explain this horrible defamation of Kavanaugh’s character.
The first possible scenario is that Ford had a bad nightmare, and it was so realistic that she believes it really happened. Of course, a man of Kavanaugh’s high moral character couldn’t have done it. So it would make perfect sense that Ford dreamt the whole event.
Another situation to consider is that Ford is a robot designed by engineers paid by Democrats. Kavanaugh is such a perfect moral actor that Democrats literally had to invent a person—or several people—to defame his character. This explains how all of Kavanaugh’s “women friends” think of him in such high esteem. Before his testimony, one of Kavanaugh’s “women friends” texted him, “Deep breaths, you’re a good man, a good man, a good man.” All I’m saying is that if Ford isn’t a robot, how could Kavanaugh have friends who are women?
The last and most likely possibility is that a comically large coconut fell on Ford’s head at the exact time of the hearing for Kavanaugh. This coconut disoriented her and scrambled her memory. This led her, in the recesses of her brain, to invent the party that Kavanaugh allegedly attended. As it just so happens, she randomly remembers all of his friends too, and by absolute chance, her testimony mirrors Swetnick’s statement. As we know from credible sources, coconuts hitting people in the head is a frequent accident known to cause confusion.
Or maybe this is all just a little bit ridiculous. Perhaps it’s not outlandish that Kavanaugh attempted to assault Ford, considering another person stated that she saw Kavanaugh attend parties where gang rape happened. Maybe it’s not ridiculous to think that Kavanaugh assaulted someone when you consider another woman remembers him exposing his genitals to her. The fact that anyone is willing to believe the mistaken-identity theory might say something about how we disbelieve women rather than what happened at a house party in the 1980s.
This isn’t just some hearing on Brett Kavanaugh, nor is it simply a sexual assault allegation. This is a referendum on our values. This is a moment in which we must decide how low we are willing stoop, how ridiculous we are willing to sound, and how many women we are willing to ignore to allow an alleged rapist on the Supreme Court.
Connor Aberle is a member of the class of 2019 and can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.