The following are a collection of steaming, freshly dropped takes. Lately, The Argus has been in a bit of rut with tepid political opinions full of “nuance” and “centrism” and “cultural relevance.” These takes are none of those things, but they’re a lot more fun to read.

1. Ice Cream Cake Sucks

Listen, if you’re a ten-year-old having a birthday party, please spare me from having to pretend that I actually enjoy the frozen diabetic shock that is ice cream cake. The ice cream? Mostly just ice and air. The cake? Hard like a brick. The frosting? Hard yet slimy at the same time, a feat of modern engineering.  What’s worse is that ice cream cakes almost invariably have some edible-ink image of Spiderman or Cinderella bleeding into its surface, weeping at the folly of mankind. You took two things that already work so well together, ice cream and cake, and fused them, ruining their best respective attributes. Ice cream cake is the disappointingly ugly son of two attractive parents. Keep your cake at room temperature and serve ice cream on the side if you know what’s good for you.

2. Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande Have Been Dating Longer Than We Realize

If you’ve listened to Sweetener, Ariana Grande’s newest album, you’ve probably noticed that the R&B influenced tracks don’t reflect a breakup or heartache as much as rebirth and redemption. According to PR teams, Ariana and Pete had only started dating a few months before the album released, but the songs would have been written almost a year in advance, when Ari was allegedly still dating Mac Miller. Was Ariana clairvoyant, and knew she would meet the love of her life six months later when she was writing those songs? Or, more likely, the breakup and subsequent whirlwind with Davidson occurred much earlier than advertised, and the decision to share the news coincided with an adamant promotional push for the album. Had they been dating longer than realized, the engagement would make considerable more sense, as would the last-minute track “pete davidson.” Wake up, people. Ariana and Pete have been dating for a while.

3. Tattoos Aren’t Inherently Cool

People at Wesleyan are going to make you think that having a tattoo automatically makes you a cooler person. Some tattoos are cool, but not all of them. In fact, I’d argue that most of the tattoos people get are either embarrassing, unoriginal, or just okay. For instance, any tattoo written in cursive automatically puts you in “quoting Marilyn Monroe on Facebook” territory. Any tattoo involving a deer just says “I made my appreciation for craft beer my entire personality,” and any tattoo involving a geometric design makes the statement “I’m very ignorant of the world outside of Brooklyn.” I’m not against tattoos as a whole. People shouldn’t be shamed out of getting them simply because they’re “unprofessional.” However, on the flip side I think people shouldn’t be motivated to get tattoos simply to rebel. Tattoos should be about as groundbreaking as announcing that you’re switching to non-dairy milk. Mostly in that only your barista really cares.

4. We Need to Stop Shaming People Who Don’t Like Black Coffee

And start shaming people who don’t eat spicy food. The pain builds character. Black coffee? Tastes like steaming poison. Hot sauce? Tantalizing BDSM for your mouth, the perfect balance of pain and pleasure. Black coffee ruins your digestive system and stains your teeth yellow. Meanwhile, the capsaicin found in hot peppers is known to boost your metabolism. If your body “can’t handle” spicy food, maybe consider bucking up and find some backbone. White people colonized most of the planet in search of spices, only to get squeamish when the peppercorns hit the pan. If you can’t sit at the big kid table, eat your buttered pasta in silence.

5. We Only Care About Astrology Because the Gays Had to Abandon Harry Potter

Ever since J.K. Rowling started flexing her neoliberal opinions on Twitter, the same Tumblr nerds who used to write Drarry fanfiction had to start basing their personalities on something other than what Hogwarts house they’d get sorted into. (No offense, as someone who spent the doldrums of their high school years blogging about the Harry Potter cast.) The answer? Astrology. The zodiac has always been a source of intrigue, but lately its popularity has bubbled in the LGBT community, often as a litmus test for compatibility. Although astrology has no basis in fact or science, it can be hard to dispel its accuracy. For instance, there is probably someone reading this right now thinking, “Ugh, she is such a Leo sun Taurus moon.” And they’d be right. Astrology provides the same loose sense of identity that Hogwarts houses used to satisfy, but without any political hangups in the way (or the elitism of the Myers-Briggs test). Until we get another YA series sensation, I’m stuck getting turned down for dates because people think Leos are “too self-absorbed.”

 

Have any questions? Disagree with anything? Come at me via bkushwaha@wesleyan.edu.

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