Let’s face it, Cardinals. Our middle-of-the-night dining options are, at best, limited. We lack the kind of gastronomic choices that our peers at larger city-based campuses take for granted. But don’t despair—I’ve taken it upon myself to compile a list of our best options. Here, arbitrarily and definitively ranked from worst to best, are your resources. Whether you need some quick energy to power through midterms, something to put in your stomach to try and stave off your impending hangover, or if you need to mindlessly snack while watching Netflix, I’ve got your solution.
10. Hoarding Summies desserts until you have like a dozen brownies to eat all at once.
Look, I know you’re all thieves. The rules are clearly stated. If you’re not going to follow the very simple “take one” rule, keep all of your guilt hidden in a desk drawer until 2 a.m. the night before your paper is due, because you might as well feel all your shame at once.
9. Leftovers from dinner with your parents two weeks ago.
Are they still good? Are you going to spend the whole next day doubled over on that nasty dorm bathroom floor? Who knows? This option is only a little bit less shameful than Summies thieves, but it could actually end up being a nice meal. Just be sure to give your leftovers a good sniff before you pop them in the microwave.
8. Actually planning ahead and having safe, healthy snacks on your shelves from Weshop.
Let’s be real: You wouldn’t be in this situation if you were the kind of person that plans ahead. But maybe you were feeling ambitious after coming back from break, and decided to proactively prepare yourself for late nights. In that case, kudos to you. For everyone else, it’s time to get even more shameful.
7. Taking whatever your roommate has in a sneaky way so that they don’t notice.
A tip: Try stealing Samoas from the bottom row in the tin to hide the fact that you took any. (Sorry, Kyle.) This gets extra points because the adrenaline rush you get from petty theft really makes those Milanos taste a lot better. (Again, sorry Kyle.)
6. Cooking for yourself.
Kitchens are empty at this time of night, and I’ve found it’s actually a great way to get a quick snack that you can eat in your room, with the only light coming from your laptop as you start Season 3 of New Girl. And if you cook, it means that you were productive that night, so you can feel a little better about the decisions you’ve made.
5. Driving to Athenian.
For those of you that don’t know, Athenian is open 24 hours. Is it great food? No. But it’s greasy and it comes in large quantities, meaning it tastes the best to you late at night. In all seriousness, though, make smart decisions about how you get there, depending on what you were doing prior. Get someone to drive you. Please, make safe and responsible food choices. I offer rides in exchange for a milkshake. Feel free to hit me up.
4. Delivery from Domino’s, or some other sort of pizza place that stays open late enough.
A great option because you can hide behind your computer screen, order online, and keep your human interaction to a bare minimum. Be sure to tip your driver—they don’t make nearly enough of a wage to put up with your friends mobbing their car when they get here. Nice for parties, or for eating an entire medium pizza yourself. No shaming here. That’s just my Friday night.
3. Drunken Cookies, whose creators are literally geniuses.
I actually haven’t gotten to use this service yet, but according to their Facebook page, this is a group of students who will deliver homemade cookies to your door late at night. I mean, is this not the most amazing thing that you’ve ever heard? They are doing God’s work. Check out their Facebook page and support other Wesleyan students. It’s a great excuse to order a dozen cookies and finish them all before—or after—you go out for the night.
2. Food Trucks: Satisfying Drunk Wesleyan Students Since 2011.
This barely needs to be said, since Wesleyan food trucks have been profiting off of us since the dawn of time. It’s always a struggle to go out and not lose your wallet before you get there, but it’s worth the constant pocket-patting to be sure you have enough to stop at Whey. Servicing you no matter your level of intoxication, food trucks are simple and convenient and nearly inescapable on this campus. Good luck turning down falafel in the middle of the night.
1. Late Night.
Look, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the OG here. I was torn between late night and food trucks for the coveted (and, again, definitive) number one position, but the options, friendly staff, and convenience of being able to use points make this a clear choice, no matter your situation. They have some new menu items, chocolate milk is free, and who doesn’t like mac and cheese at midnight? Late night wins for a variety of reasons, but most of all, because it’s something that is definitively Wesleyan.
Use this list as a resource when you’re not sure how to satiate those cravings, and be sure to let me know if you disagree with my rankings, so that I can inform you why you’re wrong. As always: good luck, eat safe, and stay full.
Spencer Arnold can be reached at email@example.com.