From: Am Dying :((, 2018

Help me survive finals please

You can do it on the toilet. You can do it on a scooter. You can do it in the Usdan line, with your eyes open, with your hand raised, at Spring Fling. You can even do it during your final presentation. But you CAN’T do it in bed. I’m talking about Micronaps, y’all! Thousands of Micronaps per day. People sometimes ask me how I wake up after only a few seconds: don’t worry, you won’t sleep too long. Fear will wake you up.

From: Done but Not Finished, 2017

I’m a senior, just finished my thesis but I still have mountains of work. How do I maintain my motivation?

Rekindle your freshman year curiosity by going out well over an hour early, meeting a few troubled people, and then heading back to your room after a minimal wait at a food truck to ponder your very existence.

From: Ready4SeniorWeek69, 2020

I’m not a senior but I really want to make the most of senior week. Any thoughts on how?

Place ads in all the WesAdmits groups offering up time slots to hangout during senior week. Some fun activities you could propose: acroyoga outside of Olin (a great way to get to know someone new who is rubbing your feet all over their body!); give some of the squirrels haircuts (bangs are in this season); put grapes in all of your crushes’ socks; try out writing some feminist erotica with your #wescam lover as a new twist on Netflix and chill; and last but certainly not least, join WIG, the Wesleyan Investment Group!

From: TooManyScamSuitors, 2019

I have TOO many WesCams! I think they’re all serious. How do I manage all of my suitors?

Invite them all over on the same night, and then have them compete against one another in a fight to the death: Hunger Games style. Except there can only be one winner, so make sure there are no berries in the vicinity.

From: HORNY4WESSWAG, 2018

Broad St. is having an insane sale. How do I stop myself for making my outfits for the rest of my life solely consist of Wesleyan clothes?

Buy a shirt that says “Wesleyan University” on it. Buy a few more. Cut out the letters in “Wesleyan University” and anagram them until they say cool things. Examples include “A Uterine Yews Vinyls” and “A Seventy Urines Wily” and “Eastern Unwisely Ivy” and “Suavely Winery Stein.” There are thousands more. Turns out “Wesleyan University” anagrams to a ton of good stuff! Literally thousands of good things! Wow! Then take the new anagrammed phrases made out of the letters in “Wesleyan University” and glue them onto other shirts. Done!