On Texting and Stairs

, by Angus Macdonald

Many humans and other sorts of people think that they can send text messages while walking up or down the stairs. This is a common but completely unfounded belief, especially on the “Wesleyan” side of the digital divide and within the “millennial” generation. People are not physically or mentally evolved enough to both text and walk up or down the stairs at the same time. Many people delude themselves into they can, and this causes problems for themselves and for those around them. For instance, one might think they can send a quick text to their friend while walking down the stairs from the Usdan Marketplace to the first floor of the student center: “just finished lunch, u,” “ayy lmao,” etc. This person might think that since they are an experienced texter and have been walking down the stairs their whole life they could simply do both at the same time. What they don’t realize is that their ability to do both is dramatically impeded. They will become unaware of the pedestrians around them, unable to analyze the complex foot traffic patterns of lunch-time (a topic for another Wes-Speak), and susceptible to typos or embarrassing auto-correct FAILS. They may even trip and fall to their death. In conclusion, no one should try to text while walking down the stairs in Usdan or anywhere else; it is physically impossible. PS I am NOT a lizard person!!!!!

  • x0whistleblower0x94

    I sincerely respect the thrust of Macdonald’s argument here. His call for the reining in of the delusions of grandeur nigh inherent to the digitized, hip-notized, “millennial” generation is a noble one, a necessary one. And yet, dear readers, I am afraid I must blow the whistle on this Macdonald maverick. It was Sunday evening between the hours of seven and eight o’clock, when I saw young Macdonald fumble whilst walking up a brief stretch of stairs in the Center for the Arts courtyard. “An honest mistake,” I thought, “Everyone trips now and again.” But then I looked closer and to my cold-blooded horror, I saw that the subject in question was composing a textual message on his cellular device! I couldn’t believe my eyes. But, dear readers, they did not deceive me. But you know who did deceive me: the bright-eyed, young anti-stairs-texting vigilante, Macdonald.

    I also wonder sometimes if he might be a lizard person. Note he begins addressing his audience, “Many humans and other sorts of people,” read: other SORTS of people perhaps of the LIZARD variety. Note: Those suspicions have not been confirmed. He does demonstrate a disconcerting interest in space, electric engineering, and various hues of green.

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