Most of us have seen a version of the “If You See Something, Say Something” campaign, a police department-led initiative that aims to prevent the spread of crime by encouraging witnesses to step forward and report suspicious activities and crimes to the police; however, these campaigns often emphasize crimes such as terrorism, robbery, or murder. When it comes to crimes that are harder to detect or prevent, such campaigns fall short of persuading us, the innocent bystanders, to speak up when we cannot be sure a crime is taking place. One of the most pervasive “invisible” crimes, as I call them, with hard-to-spot warning indicators or situations that are often willfully ignored, is domestic abuse and violence. When we see such behavior, we aren’t always sure what to say.
Domestic abuse and violence do not always have obvious indicators, and confronting people over, say, an argument that you may have misinterpreted can be particularly awkward for witnesses, especially those passing by on a busy street or in socially anonymous spaces like a bus or subway car. You cannot always be sure that you are bearing witness to an abusive situation. This is a huge problem in terms of relief from and prevention of abusive situations; often, victims feel isolated, and perpetrators may claim that their behavior will always go undetected and unpunished.
These are not empty notions; organizations dedicated to domestic abuse services report that domestic crimes often lack an effective response from law enforcement, and abusers may isolate victims socially from friends and allies. There is no surefire method to provide relief to victims, especially those in untenable and dangerous situations; however, we perpetuate the problem when we turn a blind eye and stay silent and removed from situations we notice. We cannot afford to assume that we are witnessing a mundane event, when in fact the truth may be far more sinister.
I think that few people who, when confronted with a parent who slaps a child or a person who hurls verbal abuse at a partner, feel comfortable walking up to the instigator and calling hir out. Most of us feel an instinct to avoid confrontation and instead reflect silently to ourselves or whisper to a companion about the situation. There is always the possibility that the person hurling abuse may turn on us and use us as targets for aggression or violence. There is the possibility that we are wrong in our assumptions. Besides, what on earth are we supposed to say? “Stop being a jerk, or your kids will get the wrong idea and you’ll destroy your family”? “Hey, stop bullying your loved one and making hir cry”?
My suggestion isn’t foolproof and may not apply to every situation, but here’s a thought: just intervene by engaging the people in an innocuous conversation. If there’s a child or pet involved, ask a few questions about age, breed, hobbies, or some other characteristic; engage the child or the pet. Ask strangers for directions to a random destination. If it’s a situation between neighbors, you can ask to borrow a household item or ask them if their pipes are leaking or their internet is crashing, too. These are certainly not fail-safe suggestions; they may not relieve tension in the situation. However, they may diffuse a situation, and if saying something is an option, it is often a better option than averting your eyes and remaining silent. It helps to remind people that they are being noticed, that their words and actions have not gone unheard. If you want to look at it from an egocentric point of view, it may also give you peace of mind knowing that you at least said something.
I am guilty of feigning ignorance as much as anyone else, but I can attest to the power of speech based on a few times when I have spoken up, in front of complete strangers, using confrontational and non-confrontational strategies. Especially if you are among a crowd of people who are also bearing witness, it may initiate a conversation that provokes other people to add their own comments or intervene in a potential situation. I am usually a shy person when it comes to strangers on subways or unfamiliar streets, but there have been a few situations in which I have felt obligated to intervene. You may not be able to fix the situation, or make the person stop hir behavior beyond the moment when you intervene; you may be wrong; you may not help the victim in any concrete way. But you will have sent people a message, and if group psychology is correct in its assumptions, you may encourage others to speak up, too.
Comments are closed