So you’re single on Valentine’s Day, and it seems like all of your friends are in relationships and are making gushy plans with their significant others. Stop moping! They don’t get to have all the fun. In fact, being single offers you a whole range of fun ways to spend this Hallmark Holiday—no significant other necessary!
1. Make a Valentine’s Scavenger Hunt. Make up a list of things that are often found on Valentine’s Day: a sloppy kiss, awkward fondling, a dozen roses, a giant red teddy bear, or somebody crying (there are always tears). Get together with a group of friends and see who can find everything on the list first! Make sure to bring your cameras, so you can snap pictures. It’s totally not stalking.
2. Send flowers to yourself. I once read on a shampoo bottle that the majority of flowers sent on Valentine’s Day are actually the result of people sending them to themselves. Well, Herbal Essences, you might be on to something. Go buy some really cheap flowers at Price Chopper and have your friend deliver them to you during class. Later, if you start to feel cynical, you can throw the flowers in the garbage disposal while cursing Hallmark. Nothing is more satisfying than watching roses turn to mulch.
3. Walk around the stacks with a cowbell (or some other loud contraption) and scare all the couples away. It is a time-honored tradition to get it on in the stacks, and you know there will be a lot of traffic on Valentine’s Day. Why not have a little fun with it?
4. Go sledding. Thanks to good old Nemo, you don’t have to look very hard to find snow. Plus, there are plenty of sleds that can only fit one person—perfect for singles! There’s nothing like whizzing down Foss to make you forget your woes!
5. Make your Facebook status “Singles Awareness Day!” Be that kid. I dare you.
6. Pretend you are Cupid. This one’s a bit complicated. Step one: go to Rite-Aid and invest in a quality adult diaper. Step two: walk around campus wearing nothing but the diaper and carry a bow and arrows. Steps three, four, and five: sneak up on people who are close together, shoot them in the backs, and laugh maniacally. (Note: Please use fake arrows. This is not the Hunger Games, and you are not Katniss Everdeen. The Health Center doesn’t need your victims.)
7. Send Valentine’s Day cards to your friends. Go crazy: markers, glitter glue, cut-out hearts. If your friends don’t send you one back—which, if they’re taken, they probably won’t because they will be too busy being in love or something—they will feel super guilty and will be indebted to you for the rest of the semester. Pro tip: buy way too much candy to put inside, and keep the leftovers for yourself. Everyone knows candy hearts are underrated.
8. Mess with the Usdan staff. Go to the Daniel Family Commons Valentine’s Day dinner, bring a cardboard cut out of Justin Bieber, and demand that they also serve Justin. Feel free to go all out and have a very intimate conversation with him. After all, if he was your boyfriend, he’d never let you go.
9. Hug the Free Hugs guy. The Free Hugs guy (Lu Corporan ’13) operates on Thursdays at the bottom of the stairs to the Usdan Marketplace, and Valentine’s Day just so happens to be on a Thursday this year! So head on over to Usdan and feel the (free) love!
10. Be an obnoxious neighbor. So your neighbors are getting busy while you are trying to do your orgo homework, and it’s getting pretty hard to concentrate. Take a quick study break to obtain some very large speakers. Put on some incredibly loud music/porn/jungle sounds and point the speakers in the direction of your neighbor(s). That should quiet them down for a while.
11. Take advantage of all the sales. Every lingerie company is having a Valentine’s Day sale right now, and you don’t have to feel left out! Buy the sexiest underwear you can find, blast some Ke$ha, and have a dance party alone (or not!) in your room. Who needs a lover when you’ve got Ke$ha?! Glitter trumps Eskimo kisses any day.
12. Go out to dinner with all your single friends. Every restaurant is going to have some kind of ridiculous lovers’ special on their menu. It will probably include a lot of courses with names like “Lover’s Lane Lasagna” or “Cupid’s Red Hot Chili.” Order this for you and all of your friends. When the server looks at you skeptically, politely inform her that you are all in a polyamorous relationship. When ze walks away, be sure to make a loud comment about heteronormativity.
13. Raid the candy aisle in Rite Aid (the day after Valentine’s Day). Some of the best candy is only sold during Valentine’s season, but it’s no good to give as a present after the holiday is over. All the candy will be on sale, and since you don’t have anyone to spend money on, why not just buy yourself a ton of candy? You wouldn’t want to miss out on conversation hearts and lip-shaped chocolate!
14. Remember: being single isn’t the end of the world. So you aren’t dating anybody—so what?! This is just a holiday made up by a card company to make money—or, okay, maybe it has some historical meaning, but that is wholly irrelevant by now. Feel free to write a cynical Tumblr post or give the stink eye to happy couples, but remember that Valentine’s Day is just a day. Come Feb. 15, everything will go back to normal. So eat a lot of candy, send flowers to yourself, and enjoy the day!