Wesceleb: Ross Firestone

A triple major in molecular biology and biochemistry (MB&B), chemistry, and theater, Ross Firestone is graduating early to take a breather before heading off to med school. The Toronto native sat down with The Argus to talk about Canadian traditions, nail polish, and the newly revealed origins of Ball of Darkness.

 

The Argus: You’re graduating early. What gives?

Ross Firestone: I’m actually a superhero in disguise. I need to graduate early to save the world. Seven semesters here were good for me to train my super powers, but now it’s time for me to put them to the test in the real world.

 

A: What does Firestone Man do?

RF: I would be able to produce rubber tires out of thin air and throw them at my opponents.

 

A: Then what do you want to go to med school for?

RF: To be Dr. Horrible. But I’m applying MD/Ph.D, so I’d be Dr. Dr. Horrible.

 

A: What are your plans for next year before med school?

RF: I really want to be a bartender. It’s always been my calling: sitting by the bar, pouring drinks. I think the best part of being a bartender... oh god, let me think... It’s that I can make up a different persona everyday. One day I can be the high school dropout who’s also a stripper at night; one day, I can be the wealthy businessman who bartends on the side; another day, the art student who is struggling for every penny.

 

A: What kind of art?

RF: Sculpture. I sculpt noses.

 

A: You have three majors—what’s your favorite major?

RF: Oh, my favorite’s definitely…Oh god, should I give a real answer or fake answer?

 

A: Real.

RF: I like MB&B the best. They have the most fun professors, and they are okay with me being a huge dork.

 

A: What do you have to say about being the most American international student at Wesleyan?

RF: I think a lot of Americans think that Canada is very similar to the states. They’re totally wrong and completely full of idiocy. Canada has a completely different culture, we officially became a fully independent country in 1982. We are still in our slutty twenties. America, on the other hand, is an old fart. They don’t know how to have fun like us Canadians. They don’t know how to jump on ice and play some hockey while eating beavers and killing moose, doused in maple syrup. Aboot.

 

A: What Canadian traditions have you brought to Wesleyan?

RF: I think the most important would be moose clubbing. It’s a lot like seal clubbing. But instead of clubbing seals, we club moose and instead of using clubs, we use hockey sticks. In fact, this American Thanksgiving, I roasted my clubbed moose on a bed of beaver. Wait, no, scratch that, beaver’s too sexual. We served it over maple leaves.

 

A: So Theater is kind of random next to MB&B and Chemistry. Why are you doing it besides to look good for med school applications?

RF: I believe that all molecules have a soul. Even though they do science-y things, they also just really want to perform. I think of myself as a molecule, and there are times when I want to express myself in more creative ways.

 

A: How would you make science interesting to people who think science is boring?

RF: I’d tell them about a talk I heard the other day through the chem department where the person kept mentioning cocaine. Cocaine was used to test if his detection instruments were working because there are traces of it everywhere. In this one hour talk, the word “cocaine” must have been used at least 50 times.

 

A: What are you going to miss about Wesleyan when you’re gone?

RF: People drinking out of jars. That adds to the culture here.

 

A: Where have you left your biggest mark at Wesleyan?

RF: I started the Ball of Darkness meme on the ACB my freshmen year.

 

A: Damn! I remember that. How’d you come up with it?

RF: I was playing Super Smash Brothers and one of the characters’ attacks made him charge a huge ball of darkness and shoot his enemies. When I was playing the game, I was screaming “Ball of Darkness” because I was really hyper. I made sure the thread stayed alive for a while, commenting things like “Ha, that was such a ball of darkness comment.”

 

A: You’ve been an orientation leader for three years. What kind of leadership skills do you have to show for it?

RF: At Bend It at Beckham, I show the underclassmen how to cross dress. I do like to break out the nail polish sometimes. Sparkly purple is my fave.

 

A: You’re also on the Student Judicial Board. Did you aspire to be on it as a child?

RF: Ever since I met Scott Backer, I knew we had to be BFFs. This had to be the easiest way.

 

A: Last thing. I also hear you’ve spent your summers in a fertility lab lasering sperm?

RF: Pew, pew, pew.