Let’s face it: you’re spending the summer working frantically at your unpaid internship (if you should be so lucky), making lattes for your boss (who’s probably had a few sexual harassment lawsuits filed against him), and learning the ropes of that new-fangled copy machine. But on the rare day you have to yourself, you may choose to attend one of this summer’s delectable cinematic offerings. It’s all pretty standard May-August fare: you have sequels, action movies, more sequels, another action movie, and a Harry Potter film. Here are the ones currently garnering the most hype as summarized by your apparently very cynical Arts Editors/movie critics extraordinaire:
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides—May 20
The only reason to watch the latest (completely unnecessary) installment in the Pirates of the Caribbean series is that it falls during Senior Week, so you should all go schwasted. If you happen to want to know more, here’s the gist: Captain Jack Sparrow is still drunk. It’s a bad sign for your franchise when two of your three lead actors refuse to sign on for another film. To hide the lack of Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightly, “On Stranger Tides” markets itself with the totally original premise of Disney Digital 3D and Penelope Cruz’s hotness. Slim pickings indeed.
The Hangover 2—May 27
The first film was kind of fantastic (who doesn’t want to see a baby hit in the head with a car door?), and the movie poster for this one seems to involve a monkey, so it might be worth your time. It is our opinion that there is no reason for this movie to exist, so instead, what follows are our real-time impressions of the trailer.
They go to Thailand. Zach Galifianakis makes an inappropriate wedding toast. A young man in a Stanford hoodie comes along drinking. Fast blurry montage cuts to black out! Bradley Cooper is wet and lying down. He has a lot of chest hair. Galifianakis is bald and in a dumpy hotel room with Bradley Cooper, who notices that Galifianakis’s hair is gone. Ed Helms is in the bathtub and he has a Mike Tyson tattoo on his face. He is angry about it. His friends think it’s funny and then a monkey drops onto Helm’s head! It’s wearing a tiny Rolling Stones jacket. There’s a roof and a pool and some Asian people. They appear to have misplaced the Stanford preppie somewhere in Thailand. Hey, Chang from “Community” is in this. Guns and hookers! Oh wow. That pig thing is disgusting. Blowjob jokes!
“I can’t believe this is happening again.”
We can’t either.
X-men: First Class—June 12
Before he was Patrick Stewart, he was James McAvoy. Before he was Ian McKellan, he was Michael Fassbender. In this next installment of X-men prequels, following 2009’s “X-men Origins: Wolverine,” the decade-old franchise that launched the careers of Anna Paquin and Ellen Page returns to its roots to explore the origins of Professor Xavier and Magneto. Taking place during the Kennedy era, it’s a mixture of “Mad Men” and monsters. Frankly, it looks kind of awesome. The fact that most people were disappointed with 2009’s installment might cause fans to stay away, but as far as we’re concerned, if it’s got James McAvoy in it, we’ll be there.
Green Lantern—June 17
Batman’s been done. Spiderman’s been done. Green Hornet’s been done (kind of). Superman’s been done (not really, but “Smallville” was pretty good for a while). So you’re right, movie industry, this newest super hero update is just what I wanted. It’s got Ryan Reynolds, there are aliens, and it will probably be reviled by true fans of the comic. But it’s about super-powerful jewelry from space, so what can go wrong?
Cars 2—June 24
Everyone’s least favorite Pixar movie gets a sequel. Why couldn’t they have made “Finding Nemo 2?”
Transformers 3— June 24
Wesleyan’s favorite film alum Michael Bay ‘86 returns to the big screen with a moving biopic of Mahatma Gandhi. Just kidding, it’s another Transformers movie. This time, the friendly Autobots are locking metal with the evil Decepticons, again, but this time there’s some Cold War allegory going on, and they’ve swapped out Megan Fox for a blond, Victoria’s Secret model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. Robots! Hot chicks! Shia LaBeouf?
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2—July 15
OH MAW GAWD HARRY POTTER WTF IT’S THE LAST ONE FINALLY!!! Time to break out your Hogwarts uniform. It may not make sense to you if you haven’t read the book, but you’ll probably go see it anyway.
Captain America: The First Avenger—July 22
Wait, is this the movie where Barack Obama single-handedly destroys Osama Bin Laden after 10 years of funneling trillions into a seemingly hopeless endeavor? No? Oh. Because that would be a great movie: Obama vs. Osama. Anyway, this is probably not as good as that, but might be all right. Chris Evans, through the miracle of science, goes from scrawny to super-hunk in spandex in order to fight Nazis during World War II. Awesome Hugo Weaving plays Captain America’s arch nemesis, The Red Skull. And wait, is that Tommy Lee Jones?
Cowboys and Aliens—July 29
Best movie title of the summer–the best we’ve seen since “Snakes on a Plane.” It’s not just about cowboys; it’s not just about aliens. It’s about BOTH. Speaking of great pairings, bona fide action heroes Harrison Ford and Daniel Craig bring their sexy middle-aged man appeal (wait, we take that back. Harrison Ford looks really old now) to what is sure to be the best genre-bender of the summer. Are they cowboys? Are they aliens? Are they BOTH?