Keep At It

Being the narcissist (and homework-avoider) that I am, the other night I looked through the comments under my column online. Amid the incoherent suggestions that I am a liberal Nazi and assurances that I am being prayed for, I discovered that some friendly reader had posted a link to a blog, “Greatinthesack” and a posting titled “The 3 Sex Positions That Guarantee Orgasms.” Immediately, I was intrigued. Guaranteed orgasms? Sign me up.

The tips ran the gamut, but focused on which positions would help guys to hit the G-spot—or the “Real ‘Orgasm Zone’” as the helpful author calls it. Other suggestions included dirty talk, with some helpful one-liners such as “you like it like this?” and “you have a great ass baby.” Gee, take me now, sailor!

We also get handy demystifications of the female brain. For instance, you may have noticed that, “often your lover will climb on top and show that she wants to ride you for a bit. The reason she is trying to do this is because [she] is instinctively trying to position herself so that you are thrusting up and in!!” While a girl may do this, it’s perhaps a more conscious decision than this guy’s giving us credit for.

My personal favorite parts, of course, were the guarantees, including a warning in bold font under the instructions for the cowgirl position: “Beware: She will come quickly!” That’s right boys—this position is so good it comes with an orgasm warning label.

In the end, the advice yielded more giggles of hilarity than groans of pleasure. It was also an obvious plug for a pornographic instructional video featuring a lovely gal named Shawna and another female adult entertainer teaching men how to have sex. However, there was indeed some good, solid advice buried beneath the absurdity that I’d like to share. This can work for any coupling in which a vagina is being penetrated, but to keep things clear, I’m going to use standard, heterosexual gender pronouns in descriptions of these positions.

The blog suggests a modified doggy style, with the girl flat on the bed and her hips raised by a pillow, with the guy thrusting in a downward motion to hit the front wall of the vagina (proud home of the G-spot). Next, we have a standard missionary, helped along by raising the girl’s legs onto the shoulders of the guy. Again, we’re aiming for the G-spot here. And finally, girl-on-top with a suggestion for the girl to lean back. All of these are solid suggestions, my friends. But let’s not forget: not all of us are Shawna. And despite what the deleted portions of your internet history might suggest, real sex is not like porn.

For one thing, there is no magic formula for the female orgasm. Every girl is different, and the only surefire way to make a lady happy is to have her show you what she likes. Other than that, I’ve got just a few basic suggestions for those looking to annoy their neighbors with endless gasping and grunting—here’s to you, Ms. One-floor-down-and-to-the-right. If only everyone had your sexual prowess.

Tip #1: Yes, you should try to hit the G-spot, and yes, the above positions are good for that goal. But also consider going with any variation on them or finding something else (try reverse cowgirl) that is equally effective for you. However, don’t pretend that the G-spot is some kind of Holy Grail of the nether-regions. Some girls will find that clitoris stimulation is much more effective than penetration. When in doubt, ask.

Tip #2: Use lube, preferably a water-based or silicone variety (silicone lasts longer and stays on in the shower).

Tip #3: Vibrators are your friends. I know—they are intimidating, especially for guys. But there are versions available that don’t look like they’re modeled after a walrus’ member. Consider something of the “bullet” variety to start off. They’re small, but effective and easy to use.

Tip #4: If something works, keep doing it. If you find that one position or one movement makes your partner’s toes curl, don’t quit. Busty blondes screaming, “don’t stop!” is a cliché for a reason, boys. Unless your partner seems bored, don’t move on from something pleasurable.

Tip #5: Don’t expect these things to work. I know—depressing, right? But really, causing a female orgasm is hard, and much more complicated than bringing about a man’s. Girls can actually tell what feels good, and even they have trouble with it—I promise. Don’t be afraid to ask your partner what they like—and girls, don’t be afraid to answer.

So do not be disheartened, my fine, young, college romancers! Just keep trying, and remember that an orgasm is usually not the end-all be-all of the female sexual experience—we’ll generally come away satisfied if you make an effort and respect our wishes.

Francis is a member of the class of 2014 and the Argus’ Sexual Health Columnist.