With spring comes the dubious in-theater spring movie lineup, a notorious dumping ground for movies that aren’t important enough for the Oscar-contender-dominated fall season or big enough for summer blockbuster season. But fear not! We’ve scoped all the biggest movies coming out between now and the first weekend in May and predicted the watchability of each so you won’t waste your time with Brendan Fraser come April 30.

Hot Tub Time Machine (3/26)

The title of this movie says it all: a group of guys find themselves trapped in the terrifying world of the ’80s af¬ter a boozy dip in a ski lodge hot tub. This “The Hangover”/“Back to the Future” mash-up is sure to include cheap gags, gay jokes, and pop culture referenc¬es galore, but the Michael Jackson joke in the trailer and “The Office’s” Craig Robinson might redeem this movie enough to make it watchable.

How to Train Your Dragon (3/26)

Small, adorable, computer gener¬ated children are paired with equally aw-inducing dragons in the latest 3-D extravaganza geared towards kids from Dreamworks. Go check out this movie to bring out your inner child.

Clash of the Titans (4/2)

“Avatar” star Sam Worthington plays Perseus in this effects-heavy remake of the 1981 action film starring Laurence Olivier and Maggie Smith. Liam Neeson also shines as Worthington’s father, all-mighty Zeus, in the epic showdown between humans and deities in ancient Greece. Rumors have it that the Kraken will be released.

Date Night (4/2)

In the greatest modern comedy pairing ever, Tina Fey and Steve Carell bring their delightful humor to a roman¬tic comedy turned on its head. Be pre¬pared to laugh and wince at their com¬munal awkwardness and charm.

Why Did I Get Married Too (4/2)

Tyler Perry writes, directs, and stars in (busy man!) a film about love, loss, and silliness as two couples get together for a retreat, joined by an uninvited fifth member who’s looking for the marriage he used to have. Is it a chick flick? Is it a comedy? Is it a romance? (It might be a romantic comedy.) I’m not sure, and The Argus Office computers won’t tell me.

Kick-Ass (4/16)

Because we clearly haven’t seen enough movies about teenage superhe¬roes, director Matthew Vaughn brings us this conventional-looking movie about a nerd who longs to better himself by dressing up in Spandex and fighting crime. I can’t forgive Vaughn for mas¬sacring my favorite book, “Stardust,” in the movie adaptation, so this is one film I will definitely pass on.

Death at a Funeral (4/16)

In an uncharacteristic Hollywood move, director Neil LaBute has remade a 2007 British film of the same title only three years after the original (which was not very successful in the US). His star-heavy adaptation of the comedy about death and family is sure to include even more twists.

Oceans (4/22)

Set for an Earth Day release, this Disney nature film pays tribute to Walt Disney’s pet project “True-Life Adventures,” which brought the majesty of nature to the big screen, and follows in the footsteps of the 2009 film “Earth.” The trailer brings to mind high-school biology documentaries set to theatrical music, but the film will definitely feature breathtaking cinematography and some really adorable sea creatures.

The Back-up Plan (4/23)

Jennifer Lopez and Alex O’Loughlin star in this frightening-sounding romantic comedy…which involves artificial insemi¬nation. With the tagline, “Fall in love. Get married. Have babies. Not neces¬sarily in that order,” this doesn’t sound like a movie for the faint of heart or stomach. Which doesn’t necessarily mean it’s bad, either, if you enjoy preg¬nancy and birthing.

The Losers (4/23)

If you like spy action, this sounds like the movie for you. CIA operatives (always a good start) move through dense the Bolivian jungle, only to be betrayed. They end up on the trail of a mysterious fig¬ure named Max, bent on—what else?—World War III. On the way, they’re joined by Zoe Saldana as Neytiri. I mean Uhura…no, wait. I think it’s Aisha?

Furry Vengeance (4/30)

“The Mummy” actor Brendan Fraser stars in and produced this decidedly un¬funny looking movie about a motley band of woodland creatures who exact their revenge on a real estate de¬veloper who plans to build on their homeland. Never before has environmental activism been so stupid.

A Nightmare on Elm Street (4/30)

A re-imagining of the classic 1984 knife-wielding, dream-murdering maniac (actually, what’s left to be re-imagined?), this is sure to be a treat for gore-mets and those who love to hear the bumps in the night. Freddy Krueger, fans will be pleased to hear, will remain basically the same, although the new film is set in 2010, with flashbacks to the 1990s. No, Jason has not been invited.

Babies (5/7)

In a society that is smitten with reality television, this documentary was surely inevitable. “Babies” follows four adorable babies around the world as they crawl, cry, and coo their way through life. This movie looks incredibly sweet and just a tad voyeuristic, but it’s sure to arouse maternal feelings in every viewer.

Iron Man 2 (5/7)

“Iron Man” was, in a word, awe¬some. Robert Downey Jr. was suave, charming, and attractive as he beat bad guys in elaborate and exciting action sequences. Does it warrant a sequel? In the new film (for which Terrence Howard was replaced in the role of side¬kick Col. James Rhodes by Don Cheadlein a highly publicized move), billionaire Tony Stark must solve the quintessential hero question: how does one reconcile a superhuman persona with daily life? I don’t really care, but I look forward to watching Downey Jr. kick ass once again.

  • FilmHelper

    Come on! Half of these movies will just plain suck. And you clearly are putting absolutely zero amount of work into these short reviews if you claim “kick-ass” is conventional…

    Sad Sad Sad

Twitter