As you may have heard, there has been quite a shakeup in the late night programming world. Jay Leno is stepping down from his host position at “The Tonight Show”, Conan O’Brien will be taking the helm at the 11:30 p.m. slot, and Carson Daly’s only viewer gave up falling asleep with the television on for Lent.

However, the Ampersand is most concerned about Jimmy Fallon as the new host of “Late Night.” Not that there’s anything wrong with Jimmy Fallon. It’s just that we auditioned for that job too. We’re not saying that we are better than Jimmy Fallon, but we will let you compare our test show with the first episode of his program.

Setting: Rockefeller Center’s legendary Studio 6-B. A small test crowd is trickling into the audience seating. Tension is high as the audience awaits the arrival of the young, unknown comedians. Yet, interest soon turns to bewilderment as the audience begins to realize their surroundings. The set consists of a large shower curtain with numerous pictures. The photographs are obviously Polaroid pictures depicting Brian and Brendan making out with each other in McDonald’s Play Places across the country. They are held on the curtain with staples and scotch tape. A projection of a homemade movie begins to play on the screen. It is a reenactment of the pottery wheel seen from the 1991 film “Ghost” starring a naked Brian and Brendan as Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore’s characters respectively.

The rest of the set is a replica of an ER. It is completely deserted until a paramedic team wheels in a heart attack victim on a stretcher. They begin to operate on the patient until an alarm on set goes off. “12:35!” the doctors exclaim,
“Time to watch the show!” They throw the patient’s body through the fake window. This appalls many of the audience members and they groan at the insensitivity of the joke. Nonetheless, people remain seated, eager to give the nubile writers their chance at television stardom.

The house band begins to play. Composed of a former cocktail waitress and a nine year-old playing Guitar Hero III, the woman screamed out the lyrics to K-Ci and Jo-Jo’s “All My Life” over the guitar part for “My Name is Jonas” by Weezer. The apparent theme song is then cut short because the woman starts crying and shouting at a certain “Rodrigo” about the best years of her life. Such an outburst makes the boy lose his concentration and subsequently the level. They both run offstage in embarrassment.

At this point we emerge from behind the curtain. We immediately begin our monologue:

Brian: Oh boy, it was really hot out today!

Brendan: How hot was it?

Brian: Umm, 88 degrees I think.

(The audience groans)

Brendan: Say, Brian, have you heard the one about syphilis?

Brian: No, I don’t think so.

Brendan: Why, it’s all over town.

(After finishing the joke to no applause, Brendan walks to the side of the stage and throws up all over the floor. He then goes to lie down on the couch.)

Brian: Okay, umm… do you guys know about…uhh

(Brian quickly whips out a popsicle from his jacket pocket and feverishly starts eating it. When he finishes the popsicle, he reads the riddle on the stick).

Hahahahaha, oh this one’s good. What did one firecracker say to the other firecracker? My pop is bigger than yours!

(One woman in the crowd laughs. Brian unleashes his mannerism when he tells a joke that goes over well. He begins moving his hand in an up and down motion near his groin. The crowd begins to whisper in embarrassment).

Brian: What? I’m churning butter! (No applause). All right, that’s awesome. Let’s end it there. We got a great show for you tonight. I’m in it, so stick around.