How to Tell if Other Schools Just Aren’t That Into You

By Andrew “The Third Wheel” Bean

Williams: Hey, can we talk for a bit?
Wes: Yeah, totes. What's the deal?
Amherst: Well, uh…you see…we want to…I mean, I don't want to hurt you or anything…
Williams: We have to break up. This “Little Three” business isn't really working out.
Wes: But we're rivals! Hated rivals! Grrrrr!
Williams: Look, here's the deal. We're both really good at sports, but you, for the most part, couldn't give two shits about them. Not to mention, you're poor.
Amherst: We can still be NESCAC friends. It's just…a rivalry only really works when it's like…competitive. What about Conn. College? Can't you be rivals with them?
Wes: Uh, gross. Is this really allowed, to kick someone out like this?
Williams: We had a vote, and it was two in favor and one abstaining. We would just like to focus on hating each other in New England's second-snobbiest rivalry. [Kicks Amherst in the shin.]
Wes: This isn't fair.
Williams: What in life is? This isn't the end of the world. We're just ending what has long been known to all as a farce.
Amherst: I know it must hurt. If you want to, you can come back to my place and we'll split a box of Franzia and watch “How I Met Your Mother.” I know how much you love that show!
Wes: You'll pay for this. Don't think you won't pay!
Williams: I'm calling it now: your “payback” will consist of holding a sparsely attended rally, and not doing work for any professor who went to Amherst or Williams.
Amherst: And getting high.
Wes: *Sigh* So, is there ANY way we can get back together? Like, at all?
Williams: Come back to us when you have a billion dollars.

This article was posted in the print edition as part of the Wesleyan Argus Ampersand. It is satire and should not be construed as fact.