Editor's note: If you can read this, you obviously didn't do a thesis

A little secret about senior theses: only illiterate people write them. A few great thesis writers: Fantasia Barrino, Helen Keller, and Zach Davis. Thesis writers guard this well-kept secret by getting really drunk when theses are over and claiming, “I can't read that semiphore, I'm drunk.”

- Brendan, Brian & Gelman

This article was posted in the print edition as part of the Wesleyan Argus Ampersand. It is satire and should not be construed as fact.