Most of the sexually active young people on this campus have a healthy fear of getting a sexually transmitted disease, and take the proper steps to prevent it. However, there are a few lesser-known STDs you could catch from your friends coming back from a semester in Transylvania, or those of your friends that can be likened to the proverbial town bicycles.

HBDOLXV

Symptoms: Genital baldness, purple urine, actual baldness.

Treatment: 1 bottle of penicillin per day for 30 days.

Other: A positive side effect of getting this is the more you get it, the stronger your immune system gets.

Apdelhilexioma

Symptoms: Brittle nails, dry skin, itches you can’t scratch, greasy hair, stiff neck, mild headaches, weak stream.

Treatment: Bi-daily shots for three weeks.

Other: Everything associated with this disease is incredibly annoying, including its symptoms, treatment, the people who have it, the researchers at Pfizer that discovered the cure, the doctors who have to treat, and the people who write brief summaries explaining what the disease is.

Elmosis

Symptoms: Constantly smell barbecue, heartburn, possible loss of taste.

Treatment: Absinthe is the only known cure.

Other: Can only be transmitted via saliva. It’s recommended that both parties cover their mouth with a dental dam before making out in order to prevent this.

Tangitis

Symptoms: Anal leaking, relocation of erogenous zones, inappropriate arousal, light leprosy, below-the-waist acne, urge to mutilate genitals.

Treatment: It will never completely go away, but you should be able to function like one of us normal people after a year of electroshock, a lobotomy and exposure to a gas invented by the Soviet government originally intended for use on dissidents in gulags.

Sunshine Virus

Symptoms: Cheery disposition, inclination to dance, caring more for your fellow man, gradual organ failure over the course of two months.

Treatment: I hate to be the one to break this to you, but if you get the Sunshine Virus, there’s absolutely nothing any doctor on this planet can do for you. You’re pretty much fucked. This would be a good time to dabble with that heroin addiction you’ve always wondered about.