I’m a professor…what the fuck?

By Andrew “abean at wesleyan.edu” Bean

(Note: For the safety of the author, portions of this aricle have been omitted.)

I now share a first initial and last name with a visiting professor, which, due to a curious university bylaw, makes me an assistant professor. And I must say, the world of academia has a squalid underbelly, full of all sorts of questionable behavior. Basically, I've learned some shit, man. Some real weird and awful stuff, that I consider it my duty to share with you, the lay student/horrified bystander. So right here, right now, I break the professor's code to bare the secrets of the Ivory Tower.

- First of all, professors [redacted]. A lot. Especially on the third floor of [redacted]. If you only know what kind of depraved and immoral stuff goes on before [redacted], you'd think twice about taking Orgo.

- The [redacted] department is stockpiling apple butter, sporks, surge protectors, air horns, and miniskirts in preparation for the coming [redacted]. According to [redacted], the rivers will run green with [redacted], and only those with hybrid cutlery and scandalously short skirts will be able to mount a successful fight.

- [Redacted] is the ringleader of a series of cockfights on the
[redacted] coast.

- If you sacrifice a virgin in front of [redacted], the [redacted] department will take [redacted], as well as guarantee you straight “A”s for life at any institution.

- You know the faculty dining room at the top of Usdan? All the [redacted] you can snort, in both vegan and [redacted] varieties.

- So, this one time [redacted] and I were out shooting squirrels with BB guns, when [redacted]. I couldn't see, and [redacted] two men and three bowie knives, who demanded some fried [redacted] soup for their troubles. I [redacted] on my face, after the brine got poured into my [redacted] wound, and [redacted] had apparently aggravated his stigmata. So, on our way to the hospital [redacted], with the ugliest Estonian girl you've ever seen, obviously drunk on boxed wine, and eager to please. [redacted] 3rd degree burns [redacted] made it clear he was not in favor of incest [redacted] finally exploded four days later. I don't think I've ever led a more successful Christian youth outing.

- And, most damning of all, [several paragraphs redacted] purple monkey dishwasher.

This article was posted in the print edition as part of the Wesleyan Argus Ampersand. It is satire and should not be construed as fact.