Two students issued a vitriolic assessment of Saturday’s “Steam room Smorgasbord: Snacking and Schmoozing in a Steamy Environment,” a lecture and lunch hosted by Bill Cosby in the women’s steam room at the Freeman Athletic Center.

The students, Ombrello Piccolo ’09 and Pechugas Interesantes ’43 immediately vented their anger to President Bennet, who told them, “Ladies, two things: one, you have mustard all over your faces, and two, I have a pedicure in five minutes so I would appreciate it if you could drive me there since Midge is napping and I ain’t going to wake her up. Now do you mind if I wipe off that mustard and put it on a hot dog I just got at the local hot dog stand—they forgot to give me mustard, which at my age is more than offensive—it’s sad.”

Why the students found the lecture-lunch distasteful was not apparent to Cosby, who called the event “a tiring and moist session.”

One attendee described the scene. “So there was Cosby in one of his classic sweaters—this one had purple stripes and fuzzy cones on it. He must have been mad warm! There was a nice selection of food laid out on the floor. Mustard, ketchup, relish, bagels, clams. After some more students arrived, he got down to business, talking about his favorite television shows, which I was surprised to hear were VH1’s ”Bill Cosby: True Story,“ and a pornographic Rugrats series that apparently plays only in Finland.”

According to Piccolo, “I told him to stop throwing the mustard at us but he wouldn’t listen. He took this huge chunk of mustard—and this wasn’t the cheap mustard, this was Grey Poupon, which should never be thrown but should instead be ingested with the delicate sensibility—and chucked a sick toss right into my eye! I wear contacts, and so it stung almost as bad as when someone asks me if I ‘want fries with that.’ Of course I don’t want fries, I’m allergic to fries!”

As with all Bill Cosby events, one animal showed up. A hen wandered into the steam room about mid-way through. Cosby later expressed his disappointment over the hen’s arrival. “When I saw the hen come in, I said the same thing I say when I sleep with a new chick, even if she’s a despicable lay: ‘What an animal!’

The next two Bill Cosby events are titled, ”Better Sweater: The New Sweater I Just Bought, Why it’s Hip, and How This All Relates to Nietzsche,“ and ”Steam rooms, Taco Bell, and the Prison-industrial Complex: Why They Don’t Relate.“

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